How do I help my 11 year old daughter not be such a drama queen?
She seems to thrive on making things more dramatic than they really are. She also has a tendancy to copy-cat other’s behaviors very easily. If someone is doing whatever behavior she does it too. It is so bad at times that she seems to totally change her personality.
She is already in counseling and it just isn’t helping very much. They suggested group counseling but all she did with that is copy-cat the other young girls’ behavior.
Everything we have tried only seems to help a little. We can’t lock her up and never let her see other kids but what is the best action?
At home, for the most part, she is easy to get a long with and just acts like herself and we try to encourage her to just be herself but it only works for a bit.
Any ideas? Thanks.
March 30th, 2011 at 4:51 pm
She’s just trying to fit in and make other girls like her.
Let her, you cant change a girl from trying to find herself.
March 30th, 2011 at 5:39 pm
shes at that age
March 30th, 2011 at 6:34 pm
hopefully it will pass i’m almost 13 and it still hasn’t passed but it’s okay
March 30th, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Tell her its alright to want to fit in but changing her self for others shouldnt be the answer if they dont like her for who she really wants to be then thats their lose. I used to want to fit in with every one and it was so stressfull because i had to make sur i was talking like them acting like them and dressing like them. 2 yrs later i met this other girl she smoked and i thought to fit in with her i had to start smoking to so i did. 3 months later when we where good friends she asked me if i had started smoking because i thought i would fit in and i said yes and she told me she liked me because of my personality and because im me and no one els and smoker or nonsmoker she was my friend.. My best advice is advise her to be herself and no one els cause one day shes gonna do somthing she doesnt want to do cause she might think she might fit in better…
Or copy what shes doing but make it like 10 times more dramatic if she asks what your doing say im beinga drama queen she will see that it looks funny or its rediculous or itl just embarasse her so much she wont do it again.. hopefully .. but do it a number of times so she notices more then one
March 30th, 2011 at 6:55 pm
just let her b her
March 30th, 2011 at 7:13 pm
It sounds like your daughter doesn’t really know how to act during a situation, and so she copies off other girls. Maybe she is very anxious about how she acts when she is herself, so she wants to do what the other girls are doing. Also, do you really know what shows she is watching? There are so many shows out (especially on music channels) there that involve girls (ex: The Pussycat Dolls) who act like total morons (no offense or anything) for attention. She is probably taking that and using it as a form of attention. Just ignore her behaviour. When she starts to pull a drama scene, ignore it. Just talk to her as you would normally do when she’s herself. She’s just trying to seek attention from everyone.
March 30th, 2011 at 7:57 pm
she is at that age
March 30th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
she is at an age were she does everything to fit in ’cause she can’t seem to find her place
March 30th, 2011 at 9:34 pm
You sound like a great mom who really cares about her daughter. I am going to give you some advice but please don’t take it too harshley I am just trying to cover all the bases. I know what you are going through because I have an 11 year old drama queen myself but she doesn’t go around copying everyone yet. It is important that we manage over the years to help our girls love and accept themselves for who they are. It requires lots of time in the younger years to build the relationship. Time devoted to her (your important to me so you must be worth it) through talking and daily!! interaction.
Why is she in counseling? Counseling implies there is something wrong with her, you are making her think there is something wrong with her when this behavior is perfectly normal for some kids. Is she on medication? Then that’s the culprit. Don’t get her defined with some social disorder. All children have social disorders (though not extreme which I don’t think your daughter’s is) at this age.
The reason she is the way she is could quite possibly be a lack of your understanding and your magnification of the problem.
Study some behavior modification techniques. She first needs to recognize the behavior so I would work on that. Once she realizes when she is doing it (the behavior) then start trying different alternatives. I would encourage her to observe rather than respond. Let her know it is OK not to react and just be an observer. Encourage her to not do or say anything. Give her a safe place to practice the optional behavior. In this case the behaviour you are trying to encourage is for her to not react or respond just observe. So you put on your actress hat and play different roles. That is if she believes it is safe to role play with you. Remember the underlying relationship between you and your daughter must be based on mutual trust and affection. Does she have a friend who is aware of the problem or another family member who you can bring in to role play. Even Dad he could play too. (would bring in humor)
If she is opposed to this then she may say she hates you (they all do) but she doesn’t mean it she just means she hates the moment.
Back to the behavior. Give her correct behavior to use. We use rewind the tape alot. As if the whole scene was just a movie. We pretend to hold the camera and everything. She tries on her own and we may replay it a couple of times. I may offer suggestions in a non-attacking way but she understands we are just practicing and it is usually fun. The older she gets the more careful I have to be about the appropriate time. If we have a major behavior or problem I am dealing with I will usually set up a situation. So in your daughters case I would take her to a mall or a beach and observe people behavior together. Then I would get her to start talking about how these people carry themselves.
Now you’re going to think I am completely crazy. But I want you to give her time to do the copy cat behavior in a controlled manner. That is find the time to act like other people. This is because it is training her brain to pivot back and forth. The better the brain is at noticing both sides of the behavior the better it will get at controlling both behaviors. The good and the bad. I would suggest you watch a show together maybe Hannah Montanna and trade off being different characters. You may have an actress on your hands.
If the underlying problem is self control then you need to work on self control. She needs to be made aware of self-control by using the word regularly. I would practice self-control exercises starting with physical control; balance balls beams dances etc… Make it fun and praise the control. “Good you are controlling your body very well”. Another way to passively witness self control is by watching fear factor. Discuss with her the amount of control these people have.Admire it! Move into mental control exercises, games, stop go right left.
Now, it seems like she feels pressured with something whatever it is take away the pressure by letting her know she doesn’t have to be in a hurry to grow up.
You need to consider her self concept – make sure she likes and loves herself. Every single time (and I am not exhaggerating I firmly believe this) she says anything negative about herself counter it with something positive and let her know it is not good to talk bad about herself. After a while of doing this try agreeing with her negative statements and see what she says if she laughs you will have succeeded
Finally, I would suggest you study some personality and social development theories. But, don’t take it toooooo seriously especially if you study Freud. I would look into Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Theory. I think it will relieve some of your anxiety and help you understand the normalcy of what your child is doing. Please do not take it to the extreme and start over-analyzing her (which is what I think you are doing now) Just use it as a guideline to measure your child’s developmental. Also, I would also suggest that you study styles of parental control and see where you fall between authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. And remind you not to take it toooooo seriously I believe different styles are required at different times and situations.
Now for reflection and self-analysis you can do this because you are an adult: We all can use some quiet reflection from time to time. Reflect on yourself and your relationship with your daughter, time spent together, quality and meaningfullness of time, have you two bonded, Sift through the memories (you don’t have to do it all at once say while you are taking a shower or doing the dishes or folding the laundry). Pick a time period and go back to see if there are any holes or missing gaps that may need to be filled in your childs life.
I hope this helps this is the toughest time for kids especially girls. Seeing my girls go through this phase of life makes me wonder how the hek did I make it through but I can remember being just like them.